She told me something yesterday. She told me i would be happy without her, and i agreed. I could be happy without her, but i knew that the happiest i could be would be with her. Spending time with her made the day pass so fast. Just looking in her eyes, and seeing the love was great, being able to show how much i REALLY loved her was great.
But those eyes were in pain as well, i dont want to see her in pain, i just want to see her happy.
She and Joel slept at a Hotel last night, and im sure i know what happened. Im still hoping it didnt.. a little but inside im sure of it. I told her that, at this point that would destroy me... and its true, it most certainly would.
I deleted alot of this because i dont want her to be in pain anymore, i dont want her to see how sad i really am. Things are hard enough already for her.
I have been taking alot of pills to make me sleep, sleeping is the only time we get to be together, and when i wake up i actully feel ok for a few minutes.
I still cant eat, i tried to eat a sandwich, but i nearly threw it up. I dont feel like im sick... i think its just because of my.....
i dont want to face the day, i actually tried to pray to god not to either not let her have sex with him, or to not let me wake up. Im not saying i believe in that stuff, but if she doesnt it definatly would help. But if she did, and i still woke up, i guess things wont change much... We will see.
Well at least i have a few things to look forward to today... a funeral, and seeing Rachelle..
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