The things I want to do

Here are a few things that keep me around:

1. Something i had asked from someone, and if they didn't do something, i wouldn't.
2. A note... a note that means a lot to me, gives me the only hope i can muster.
3. Getting to talk to someone, looking forward to seeing that person... even though it never
happens, it makes the day a lot less shitty. It gives me a little more hope

At least its a new year... i hope this is the year for change. I hope I get the chance to prove some things to some people, as well as myself. I think it will be a good year... seeing as how unbelievable shitty the last few weeks have been, i cant imagine a way for things to get worst. So i guess that is a good thing... or maybe not, things could always still get worst.

I hate that saying: "Thing always get worst before they get better." Wouldn't thing always be getting worst?

There are only a few things that could make things shittier, and i would rather not say them, because i would rather not think them.

I tried something recently for the first time since I was a kid. I tried praying, man that sounds weird even saying it. So far what i have asked for has happened, half of what i want has happened in fact, i just hope the other half does as well.

I really don't have the drive to do anything lately... if i could i would just sleep all day, i guess that's a bad sign of depression. Mostly though i sleep so the time in-between me talking/seeing her is shorter.

On that note, i think i have become rather pathetic.... I'm sure that it's a bit hard to understand but, the times I'm with her, or talking to her, everything else doesn't matter. For maybe a few hours in the day i really get to be happy, i really get to forget the world and live in the moment. I get to forget how much i miss her, how sad i am for the things i didn't do, and i get to show how much i love.

I have stopped calling her altogether, i just let her text me when she wants, or call me when she wants. I do this because I'm sure i started to look a little crazy. But i think i also went a little crazy, being alone and wanting someone to be there SOOO bad can do that to a person. But not a lot has changed, i still have the urge to call her a lot and text her a lot, but i worry its not healthy for me.

I just hope i get to see her soon, it honestly makes my ENTIRE day A LOT better. I try and act happy when i talk or text her, i would image if i was in her position i wouldn't want to know how bad she was, or how sad she was.

God damn I'm pathetic lol. I'm trying to show people i can still hold my head up, even if i cant, nobody really cares how sad i am, so i dont show them lol.... Unfortunatly its very true though, but i assume its my own fault, im not very open with people because i dont think they want to know.

But thanks to the 1 person who reads this, it means alot if you are reading this. It makes me feel alot less alone in this world. But I doubt your reading this now, I have hope that you will start caring more that he is gone, but at the same time i have a bad feeling. Then again i cant remember the last time i felt good about something!!!

If that one person is readding this, please just leave a comment that says "yes" on my myspace page. If anyone else is in fact readding this do that as well. Either way though just writing these things out keeps me from going crazy.

I appreciate you for listening :)