love and happyness

She told me something yesterday. She told me i would be happy without her, and i agreed. I could be happy without her, but i knew that the happiest i could be would be with her. Spending time with her made the day pass so fast. Just looking in her eyes, and seeing the love was great, being able to show how much i REALLY loved her was great.

But those eyes were in pain as well, i dont want to see her in pain, i just want to see her happy.

She and Joel slept at a Hotel last night, and im sure i know what happened. Im still hoping it didnt.. a little but inside im sure of it. I told her that, at this point that would destroy me... and its true, it most certainly would.

I deleted alot of this because i dont want her to be in pain anymore, i dont want her to see how sad i really am. Things are hard enough already for her.

I have been taking alot of pills to make me sleep, sleeping is the only time we get to be together, and when i wake up i actully feel ok for a few minutes.

I still cant eat, i tried to eat a sandwich, but i nearly threw it up. I dont feel like im sick... i think its just because of my.....

i dont want to face the day, i actually tried to pray to god not to either not let her have sex with him, or to not let me wake up. Im not saying i believe in that stuff, but if she doesnt it definatly would help. But if she did, and i still woke up, i guess things wont change much... We will see.

Well at least i have a few things to look forward to today... a funeral, and seeing Rachelle..

Alone

I don't want to be alone, i have felt alone my whole life.
I don't want to go back, that life was terrible.
I don't know how to face it. I don't to face my lonely life again, i was so happy to finally feel like i had someone who really cared about me. That feeling was so nice, so warm, so comfortable.

I'm just cold and alone now. I hate needing acceptance so bad, i wish i was someone who could be fine without the love. But sometimes i wounder if i try to be that person, and thats why i'm not such a great person. I guess its good to be loved, i guess that also makes it good to want to be loved.

She would have said yes

I love and miss you so much, u have no idea.
I have always loved you like i have never before
I always will love you
Ill never forget you
I just wish you could of know
god i wish you could of know how god damn much i loved you
Im a stupid fool for never showing it
Its hard for me to show emotion, and im so sorry for that, im so god damn sorry
It breaks my heart so much
I would give anything to go to sleep and not wake up

I hope you have a good life, i rly do.. i the end as long as the person i love can be happy, i dont care to much about my own.

Im sorry about saying this but you havent destroyed us, i dont believe you have. I love you way to much. But im sure i have no hope, but its the only thing that keeps me sane

I just wish i could have been more confident, im a looser and everything bad i can think of.
I hate myself so much.
I blame myself so much
Im an idiot for not showing my love
But i had a plan for us, i just wish i could have shown you
Im sorry those breakups were just hurtfull to me
Im sorry thing didnt change like they should have, i didnt know you felt so much about them


God im sorry for everything, i just should have loved you and showed it.
Im not worthy to walk to planet

I would have done anything for you i would have married you

Im just so god damn sorry, im sorry for you and im sorry for me.



Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up
Please dont wake up

Engaged

I had planned to ask you, i had understood my love finally, i really had, i saw that i had changed, and i would have fixed it...

I was going to ask you...

To late

Your gone

I want to die, god what i wouldn't give not to wake up

Sad christmas

This year is ganna be the sadest christmas ive ever had. Rachelle is gone, im alone, and im to depressed to wrap christmas presents... Arnt i just a fucking mess.

I just feel so damn useless and unimportant.
Everyone is acting like they care, but nobody sticks around...
I fucked up our relationship
Now im fucked up myself
I just wish the pain would stop... the last week has been hell, every time im alone i just collapse.
I thought sleeping would make the pain go away with time.
The whispers of my old life help alot, but they make me so much worste when I believe them, but they dont happen....

I tried being friends with Joel, maybe then i could see rachelle, but i hates me more now.
Made Rachelle's parents an awsome christmas present, but wtf is the point i guess?
Why the fuck would anyone like me.
Why the fuck should i try, i only make things worste
I know nobody reads this but it helps a bit anyways

The depression is starting to kill me, idk what the hell i can do to get out of it... its never ending.
I surround myself with friends, but often times I find myself sinking into myself or crawling into my bed, trying to sleep through my life. But those times i have to work just kill me, sitting in a car for hours and thinking makes things so much worste

I guess her plan is starting to work, because i got mad at her for the first time all week. I just wish i was smart enough not to fall for the same shit over and over again. But at times i try and do whatever the hell it takes to make me less depressed. Theres only so many videos a person can watch really.

I just wish she would stop, the hope is the worst, makeup sex and then ignored, makeupsex and then ignored. A letter when she was drunk, a promise of talk, and then ignored. You may call me stupid for doing this, but when the hope of something is the only remedy that works, you take it, and you hold onto it.

Joel:
Seems as though i always get a section in here about him. He, ultimatly was the one to absolutely crush my spirits. I reached out to someone who i hated, for no really good reason, tried to understand him, and tried to let him understand me. Instead i was called a liar and a crazy x-boyfriend. I find recently that he knew i wasnt lying, but could treat me so crappy. Being stepped on while your down is an awful experience. What makes it worste is that i allowed it, i opened up the vulnerability to another person, and was ridiculed for it. I just cant believe someone who felt the same pain as me, could cause it on to another. I dont know if he felt my pain, i dont know if he loved as much as me. I like to doubt that he did soley on the premise that i could never do that to someone knowing this pain. Im not to say that Im some great person, just that it seems cruel, especially to someone who you know very little about.

I realy cant emphasize how much what he did destroyed me. But i know that was your point, so i guess you did well. You are great at destroying my life. I have NEVER done shit to you, never did anything to harm you, or ANYBODY you loved, i always tried to treat Rachelle with as much respect as i could (Not enough cause look were im at now). But every time you come back, you always harm me and always tear me away from the person i love. I know you wont feel bad, i dont know why, or what it is i did to you... that is why i sent that letter, it was killing me not to know why i was hated. I still dont know


Hated:

Im hated by the most important ppl in Rachelle's life, and im so so so so sorry for that, but i dont know what to do, i tried, i tried so damn hard, i hate your dad for the things he has done to you, and i dont like your mom for letting it happen. But i still tried as HARD as i could to gain acceptance, im not good with people who make me feel uncomfortable, and its hard to be myself for a while... im sorry your parents never saw the good in me, im sorry they only saw the bad. It never used to rly bother me, but it causes you so much pain that i hate myself for it every day. I hate myself for not trying harder. I just wish they could see what i helped you with, the good i did for you, the love i have for you.

I wish i could leave, i wish i could forget you.... i wish you could make me hate you
GOD i wish i could take you
i cant...
i cant stop loving you

i dont know the ending in store for me
I feel dead inside, and i wish it wasnt just on the inside
I have to much respect for the people around me to do that to them, i couldnt imagine the pain.
But sometimes i wish i could see who really cares about me, who would care when i was gone. I have lost the ability to see the people in my life who really care about me. It seemed like it was easy for me to see, but not any longer... so much has changed, my best friend is gone, never to be the same person again

after writing that, i realize i could have kept him from the drugs, and the alcohol, if i werent so weak to it myself.

At the moment im debating telling Rachelle that i wront this, because my sadness drives her away, and i just want her around, i just want someone who cares for me, to be here for me. Im not talking family, family love is given love. I want earned love, i want someone who i have worked for the love of. I guess thats not Rachelle, i havent earned her love.

But i dont want her to feel pressure from my words, i just want to say them without causing more shit. I just want to say these words to whoever the fuck cares enough about me to read them. Not alot of people, one actually.... none anymore.

But i feel better for writing this, and i guess thats all that matters..

I guess someone should get happiness for christmas, so i guess i should wrap these pressants.

I just wish i could get something for rachelle not so materialistic, i knew what i would have goten her, but i guess i dont get to give her gifts, or so i tell myself.

I really hope she shows up for Christmas, my parents like her an awful lot, and im sure they got her something nice for christmas. I think soon im going to be able to tell them we broke up, but they did a nice thing for her, and i want them to enjoy that. I dont want them to feel sorry for me, i already feel sorry enough for me. Plus it makes me happy that my parents would take the time to do something special for someone special to me

I wont see rachelle tommarow, but ill try and be hopeful, it would be the best christmas present she could give me.

This was a nice distraction, but its time to face reality once more, and there are christmas presents to be wrapped

So ill TTYL

P.S.
Im sorry i never gave you what you need, but i guess i get to live with that.