Interesting day.....

Prom nights was pretty sweet, we got a suite at the hawthorn for prom.

Only problem was that most the day, and that night i felt like i was being dragged around like a dog.
I don't know, it was pretty shitty of me, but rachelle woke me up in a very bad way, and i was just irritable for the most the day, and being dragged around basically without an opinion just drove me nuts.
Then for prom night, i felt as though i was just being dragged around again, and i kinda fucked things up. Was in a bad mood again for a while, then rachelle being as sweet as she is, (To sweet for me to realy deserve) i was ok, and started to enjoy the night again.
So we went and got breakfast later in the night and took it up to mine and rachelles spot up on the monument.
Its the spot were we realy got to get to know eachother on homecoming, sitting in the back seat of the mustang, watching the stars through the back window, and the lights of junction through the front window.
So basicaly i wanted to re-creat that night, because it meant alot to me because i wanted to just go up there and talk and enjoy the surroundings, and the company.

But we got up there and got in the backseat and things were going alright for a while, and rachelle just couldnt relax and wanted to just go back to the hotel room, and that realy set me off, because it was so important to me, but not to her, and i realy wanted that one thing all night, and its something she couldnt enjoy....
so that fucked up the night, because i was sooo upset over that, and then at the end of the night i felt like shit for screwing up her senor prom so....
but i wouldnt have made such a big deal if it didnt mean so much....



So today:
Rachelle wrote a blog that just made me feel horrible today...

"Just i guess you could say im pretty lonely....
I dont have a solid person i can just tell everything to..."

i dont know when it happened but, somewere in this all i went from the person she could tell everthing to that.... and its nobody but my own fault, and that hurts alot.

i just wish that i wasnt so hard headed and more open, but its so incredible hard for me, for whatever reason, and ive tried to get better, but it doesnt realy seem to work and i dont know what to do about it.

"I just worry about how he feels about joel.
he says he likes joel, but thats the mature thing to do...
once again, its not solid..."

By honest opinion of joel is that i hate the feeling she has for him, but at the same time, they are understandable, i know she would do just about anything for me which i hope includes not wearing his dog tags around me...
Im not mad that he is in her life too, its an understandble life variable, at least i know the guy thats there and she tells me alot about things going on between them. I understand she doesnt tell me everthing that i would like to know, and im sure she hides things from me, im not stupid. Which i know she relizes, but thats just the way things have to be in a relationship, pure honesty doesnt work... its as simple as that. Theres plenty i dont want to know about her other relationships, i care about her fealings w/ them, but i dont want to know what we have shared has happened with other people.

I know she will make the right choice about Joel and me, and im not saying me, im not saying Joel, im just saying she will make the RIGHT CHOICE.


But getting to why im sad about her blog, its hard being out of town and away from the one i love, its very very hard, and i cant do it much longer because i miss to much and it just kills me. Theres only two things in my life right now, her and work. Its just hard to be gone all week and be thinking of her the entire time, and missing her so much. Im working on a future for myself, a good future, the future i have in my head... ill get there someday i just hope i have the willpower. Which i believe i dont, which is why i have her in my life right now.

And finaly:
a quote in James Blunt's song:
"Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made "

which is the perfect quote of my opinion.